I suspect that lots of you out there are really excited by the idea of seeing the results of an election, since there’s so little of that sort of thing in the news right now. The excitement of voting and seeing the results is a palpable thing, and we get to experience it so rarely, and with such little fanfare, that I bet this will be a real treat for you. We have the results of America’s Only Important Election This Week, the winner of the Pick The Best K-Car. Are you ready?
I mean, you’re not ready, because who really ever is? But that doesn’t matter, because there was a very clear winner here, and I think its one that was deserved. The race was tough, with lots of top-notch K-car derivates running, a field that included some of the flashiest and most extravagant K-cars known to humankind.
And yet, somehow, the winner was one of the most humble and hardworking of the K-cars. One that wasn’t flashy, but was quietly yet incredibly influential. My friends, please welcome the Best of the K-Cars, the Dodge Caravan/Plymouth Voyager!
Amazing! Let’s look at how the election results broke down:
Out of six contenders, the K-based minivans took a whopping 45.07% of the vote, a huge leap ahead of the next closest K-Car, the Chrysler Laser, with 18.01%. This is a decisive victory, friends, and one I hope we can all feel good about.
It’s been too long that we’ve not had a definitive Best K-Car, so I hope this decision brings some much-needed closure and comfort to you all.
Now, let’s celebrate with some classic K-Car ads! Since we’re only talking about the first- and second-generation cars, since those were the ones on the K-derived platform, these are some very early commercials. Besides, the older ones are goofier.
Chrysler tried some pretty straightforward commercials:
…and, for the Plymouth variant, they called upon the person who was the Most Important Person in America at the time, magician Doug Henning:
Even though it’s been erased from most recorded history, for much of the 1980s Doug Henning controlled America via his powerful dark magic. Though dressed in tight rainbow-themed outfits that suggested peace and harmony, the truth was Henning’s total control over America was a terrifying nightmare of illusion and reality-rending.
In this address to the nation, Henning reminds the people under his control that he, and only he, controls the very fabric of reality. Here he sends a subtle message to America’s poultry farmers that he can eliminate their livelihood by conjuring chickens from nowhere:
It’s chilling. Chilling.
Anyway, congratulations to the Dodge Caravan/Plymouth Voyager! These were revolutionary cars that made a colossal impact on the automotive world. Even though they weren’t the first minivans (the 1949 DKW Schnellaster (see below) I think takes the prize there, even beating the Volkswagen Type 2 Microbus to market by a year, and it’s also a FWD design like the later Chrysler minivans) they definitely re-invented the minivan.
Wow, what an amazing day. I’m sure glad these are the only election results I need to deal with; emotionally, I don’t think I’d have the capacity to consider any others.
